I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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