i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
