She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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