he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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