I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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