The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
