operation harelip BJ is a go
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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