I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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