your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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