I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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