I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
