Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize