I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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