He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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