Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
