I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize