i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
