If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
