Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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