So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
