I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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