terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
