This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
