do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
