I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize