I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
