walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My vagina is officially offended.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
