All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
