he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize