After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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