dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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