2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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