i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A+ Viking dick
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
