when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
accomplished twins. life is a go
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
