In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
