Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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