Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
