last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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