I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
