I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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