Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
