Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
