Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize