I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
