Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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