So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
