clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
