perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
