You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
