Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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