When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
