Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
