You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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