don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize