decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
