There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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