Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
pray to the hookup gods
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
