my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
