its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
