My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
