I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
